Not Fitting In

Evening everyone or afternoon depending where you are . I planned on a mental health blog but I'm going to merge it with something I have written as I have more to say . I make no apologies for telling the following truth bomb 💣

I know some of what I am about to say may be unsettling for some but it is the gospel truth and dosent even touch the surface. .Ok here goes not sure where to start. Let's take a journey through memory lane to 1984/1987 and onwards to the present day before I start, "my memory is a-bit 2nd to none" a lot of people or should I say "certain individuals " don't like that I have a good memory and the the reason they don't like it is clear "the worst person that a narcissistic liar can encounter is a sane person who knows them inside out with a good memory " as it's their ( kryptonite)

The narcissistic con doesn't work anymore when a child becomes an adult and breaks the cycle of the narcissistic parent. The Adult is no longer a child who can be chastised The child is now an adult capable of holding their own.

First of all to I'd like to thank myself "Joe soap " 🧼 for having the courage to write this "only kidding" (anyone who doesn't know who joe soap is neither did I? but this is actually a name my biological father says to me whenever I enter a house he happens to be In without expecting me. It's Scottish slang and it means unintelligent and is a derogatory term to describe anyone let alone your own flesh and blood 🩸 .

Anyone that know me knows I am quite an intelligent man " I have poetry sitting in the second biggest library in the world" I am also an honest man too honest for many , if it's a subject that I'm intrested in and passionate about then I wear my heart on my sleeve No holds barred as people have long noticed.

In spite of what I say in here I will be writing a follow up called ( Forgiveness) and also a blog on suicidal ideation , 6/6/23

I can also be easily hurt but don't let it show , I tend to implode and go in the way ( implode ) ain't the best word to use after the Titan Tragedy. I've held back on my thoughts and pain for too long now and I want people to hear my voice.

As a father of 3 kids my two young sons don't have a voice yet . They have Autism and Non verbal .So please hear me when I speak out through this blog. I was told by my own biological father " your always busy" in a snidey way .

He's right I am constantly BUSY being the person he never WAS and NEVER will be .I am a father yes , I AM busy, YES I SPEND time with my kids teaching them everything I can and I am still learning along the way.

My father taught me how to be ABSENT (from life until I met my wife ) I felt absent for so long) I believe in the saying "be better than your excuses" I am teaching my children how a FATHER should be ! loads of praise and time together .

NOT slandering them through 3rd party's playing the victim. He destroyed his first marriage through domistic violence . I witnessed it and as I got older got the brunt of his mood swings . Usually Drunk or hungover. When I was 5 years old he took to Drowning a defenceless 3 month old pup in a bath in a drunken rage . He has admitted it. Taking money off me at the age of 8 that my grandfather gave me off his bookie winnings going to the pub with it and showing no remorse . Blaming everyone else , and everyone believing him.

How he was a hopeless romantic. His second wife ran to a woman's aid shelter to flee violence, with my two half brothers . He moved to a third wife and there was reports of drunken violence in the court divorce papers . She took my other half brother to Germany, I missed out on his child hood.

He's now planning wedding number 4 . My sister suffered from Depression and mental health issues. She was put on setraline. Everytime she asked for a bit of a break my father wouldn't watch them instead my neices were took into care after my sister tried to force his hand. It backfired spectacularly and with disastrous consequences.

My neices were took into social care And also placed up for adoption. My fathers answer was they were " better off away" ( the social devices told me this revelation during an interview to fight for a kinship ) my sister also sent me photos of paperwork on what's app confirming this. I fought like hell to get custody, even giving access and signing a mandate to my own medical records.

my grandparents brought me up since I was two years old , ( I've never been told the reason why ) my grandfather who is 81 was in hospital with septicaemia.I had tried to call my gran (mum) as I was worried sick at 9pm only to be told "I can't talk #### and ######## are in the now then tried to call me back at 10.05pm .I know there's secrets being held." Always have been"

Nobody ever will be able to take my grandfather's place he's who I see as my (dad) . In order to takes one's place you would have to augment one on one interactions making memories via doing something meaningful and sometimes simple (these following memories mean so much to me more than winning any money 💰 in the world 🌎 )

One example is my gran would walk to the local bakers on a Saturday. I think it's closed down now I used to get a pineapple cake 🧁 walking over the iron bridge going to my great granny Anderson's . I can remember everything from Arthur and my auntie Grace to my uncle Robert and cybil and uncle jock ,my uncle sonny and auntie Jessie and my uncle john my grans oldest sisters husband ( he was great to me) The all were .

I was told I was never there according to my father . At my biological dads address why else would I know. Or remember with great detail that my uncle john who was a royal gaurd would say to me 💂‍♀️"Look theres a fly" he would say "look pointing at the ceiling" "FLY CUNT" trying to get me to repeat it 😂 .

I was upset with the thoughts in my head so I wanted to write a bit but I've got so much more to say "A leopard can't change its spots but a human being can change there attitude " I have changed for the better yet my father has stayed the same with the same negative attitude .He would rather impress a stranger than his own family .

Like I says ,I lived with my grandparents whom I see as my mum and dad yet these past few months things just haven't been the same "your just the grandson" I got told in one outburst (aww your grandfather ( doesn't know what he is saying ) because he says to the nurse "that's my son and his beautiful wife" when I went to visit him .

I'm named after my grandfather (dad) Joseph orr young. I feel I've got a little off my chest but I'm not giving into the sideshow . many forget that my family home isn't with my biological father it's with my grandfather and grandmother .

My birthday cards and fathers and Mother's Day cards have always been hidden as I address them as my mum and dad. and now at the age of 41 I'm being told your just the grandson " who am I ? I say I even questioned myself ⬇️

I know who I am .. I am ferociously Loyal and passionate.

I am a Husband , I am a Father , I am a Friend , I am a Son "starting to question that" , I am a Son in Law , I am a Grandson.

I am a Nephew " who was molested off his own uncle and it got swept under the carpet , I myself am an Uncle , I am a Brother in law , I am a Cousin. I am IMPORTANT .

For anyone reading this YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You are NOT ALONE don't ever allow anyone to ever make you feel like you are nothing .know your true worth and value .

Too many people suffer things in silence don't let society destroy REALITY. For the reality is there are many people like me and also you who are reading this. Remember " it's better to be CREATIVE than DESTRUCTIVE " it's better to leave behind a LEGACY than leave BEHIND NOTHING . Have a great day , thanks for reading Joe . ❤️